Funny of the Week

Funny #1

I was sitting at Starbucks one day a month ago and two really large women came in, speaking with an interesting accent.   So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s all I remembered when I woke up at the hospital yesterday.

Funny #2

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
 Funny #3
A west Texas redneck got a full scholarship to Texas A&M.  His first week there he went to an honors Physics class.  That day the class was discussing the properties of light.  The professor turned off the light in the room, took a flashlight out of his pocket, turned it on, and shined the light beam at the ceiling.  He asked the class, “What would happen if you climbed to the top of this light beam?”  The redneck raised his hand to answer.  His answer to the professor’s question was classic:  “Professor, we’re not stupid.  As soon as one of us climbed to the top of that light beam, you’d turn the flashlight off!”

 

Funny of the Week

“MAN! I just left the Valero up the street from my place.  I went inside the store to pay for my gas and saw two police officers looking at a lady smoking while pumping gas.  I thought  ‘she can’t be serious smoking at the pump.’   And the police right there too!  While paying for my gas, I heard someone screaming.  I looked outside and the lady’s arm was on fire!  She was tossing and waving her arm around,  just going crazy!  I walked outside while the cops were putting her on the ground.  They were putting the fire out with an extinguisher.  As I walked past I turned to see them handcuffing her.  WOW!  I am a concerned citizen so I asked the cops why they arresting her.   I thought that her arm catching on fire was enough.  Nope!  One cop looked me dead in the face and said “FOR WAVING A FIRE ARM.”

Funny of the Week: Thinking about a divorce?

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Funny of the Week

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.  He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor Young — who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine — thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”  Dr. Young: Aaagh !! — “This is gasoline!”  Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young got annoyed and went back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.  “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything, Dr. Young said to Dr. Geezer.”  “Nurse,” said Dr. Geezer,  “please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”  When Dr. Young tasted it he cried, “Oh, no you don’t, that is Gasoline!”  Dr. Geezer immediately said, “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back . That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) left angrily and came back after several more days.  He told Dr. Young, “My eyesight has become weak,  I can hardly see anything!  Dr. Geezer replied, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” Dr. Geezer then handed Dr. Young a $10 bill.  “But this is only $10!” cried Dr. Young.  “Congratulations,” replied a gleeful Dr. Geezer.  “You got your vision back!  That will be $500.”

Moral of this story:  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer.”

Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.

Funny of the Week

Facebook post last week from Camilla Gonzales

“Hopefully Donald Trump will not deport my beautiful mother-in-law….that lives in 22 Allenwood in Los Angeles California 90004…in the blue and white house….by the back door that doesn’t close.  She gets off work at 5:00 pm….but is always home by 5:25.

Poor Mother-in-law…her visa expired since March 2009…and currently works with fake papers….

Well, let it be God’s will….”

Funny of the Week

Words Not Yet In The Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib’ re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to (a) suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg’ uh side) n. When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz’ aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will ‘remove’ all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit

Bonus Funny

With the ridiculousness in D.C. this week and as nearly every member of the radical Left finds their hair on fire, we all need as is said in Louisiana some “lagniappe.”  (lagniappe is the 13th doughnut in a Baker’s dozen — something you get but don’t pay for)  Enjoy!

Funny of the Week

  • President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his yacht.  During lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff’s hat off into the water.  It floated away about 50 feet.  Then the wind died down and the hat didn’t move.  It just floated in place.  The boat crew and Secret Service scrambled to get a boat launched to retrieve the Pontiff’s hat.  Trump, however, waved them off, saying, “Don’t worry guys.  I’ve got this.”  The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water, picked up the hat, walked back to the boat and climbed in and handed the hat to the Pope.

The crew was speechless as were the security team for the Pope and members of Secret Service.  No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.  But the next day on NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN this story lead each network’s evening news:  “Trump cannot swim.”

Funny of the Week: Part II

I need to laugh more.  You need to laugh more.  We all have too much seriousness in our lives.  So let’s laugh a little.  At least once a week I’ll post here a “Funny of the Week.”  I’ll start by drawing from my significant collection through many years of looking for funny jokes and stories.  Please feel free to send me yours and we’ll all share in topical, timely, and CLEAN funnies.  All of us need a good chuckle as often as possible.  None of us laugh enough.  Let’s all laugh together.  Heck, maybe we’ll turn this into a contest!  Reply with your funny in the comments section and keep watching for the “Funny of the Week!”

Enjoy!

A  guy was driving rural Alabama and he saw a sign in front of a tired old house with lots of deferred maintenance: ‘Talking Dog For Sale .”  He rang the bell and the owner appeared and told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

”You talk?” he asked the dog. ”Yep,” the Lab replied.  After the guy recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asked ”So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looked up and said, ”Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”

The lab continued, ”I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
  
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,” the guy said.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he lies more than Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi and Senator Elizabeth Warren combined; He’s never been out of the back yard.”

Funny of the Week

I need to laugh more.  You need to laugh more.  We all have too much seriousness in our lives.  So let’s laugh a little.  At least once a week I’ll post here a “Funny of the Week.”  I’ll start by drawing from my significant collection through many years of looking for funny jokes and stories.  Please feel free to send me yours and we’ll all share in topical, timely, and CLEAN funnies.  All of us need a good chuckle as often as possible.  None of us laugh enough.  Let’s all laugh together.  Heck, maybe we’ll turn this into a contest!  Reply with your funny in the comments section and keep watching for the “Funny of the Week!”

Enjoy!

TODAY’S FUNNY OF THE WEEK: “NEW RULES”

New Rule:  Stop showing me that pop-up ad for classmates.Com!  There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.

New Rule :  There’s no such thing as flavored water.  There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket — water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.  You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.  That’s your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people.  Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label.  And the top is now the bottom.  And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule : I’m not the cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : No more gift registries.  You know, it used to be just for weddings.  Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving; it’s the sophisticated version of looting.

New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.  I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there or just some freak with a fetish.  I don’t want to be fawned over, dude.  I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months.  “27 Months.”  “He’s two” will do just fine.  He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every visible piece of flesh.  If you do, then plan your future around saying “Do you want fries with that?”