Funny of the Week

A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.

They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears.

Genie: “Well, alright. Two customers. I don’t know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you both 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you’re bigger.”

Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: “Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to be females.”

Genie grants the wish, turns to squirrel. Squirrel thinks. He looks up to the genie: “I want a motorcycle.”

Bear shakes his head: “Squirrel, you don’t know how to wish.”

Genie then asked the bear for his second wish.

Bear responds: “All right, I want all the other bears in the COUNTRY to be females.” Genie grants the wish.

Genie turns to squirrel: “How about it?” Squirrel responds: “Gimme a motorcycle helmet.”

Bear shakes his head again. “What’s wrong with you?” Genie then turns once more to bear and asked for final wish. “You know what? I want all the other bears in the WORLD to be female.”

Genie grants the wish, then turns to squirrel.

Squirrel grabs his helmet, puts it on. He then walks to the motorcycle, gets on it. He starts it, runs the engine a little.

As he rides away, not looking back, he yells: “I WANT THE BEAR TO BE GAY!”
Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/211/A-Bear-Is-Chasing-A-Squirrel-In-The-Woods-#m3RlkD0soOQ8cigC.99

Funny of the Week

A sign In Vice President Pence’s home town in Indiana in the front window of a business:

“WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON, NANCY PELOSI, HARRY REID, ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND ALL OF HOLLYWOOD THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!!!”

This sign probably either outrages, saddens or elates you, depending on your political persuasion. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty; and after all … it is just a sign.

The business that posted the sign?

Owen’s Funeral Home

Funny of the Week

Funny #1

I was sitting at Starbucks one day a month ago and two really large women came in, speaking with an interesting accent.   So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s all I remembered when I woke up at the hospital yesterday.

Funny #2

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
 Funny #3
A west Texas redneck got a full scholarship to Texas A&M.  His first week there he went to an honors Physics class.  That day the class was discussing the properties of light.  The professor turned off the light in the room, took a flashlight out of his pocket, turned it on, and shined the light beam at the ceiling.  He asked the class, “What would happen if you climbed to the top of this light beam?”  The redneck raised his hand to answer.  His answer to the professor’s question was classic:  “Professor, we’re not stupid.  As soon as one of us climbed to the top of that light beam, you’d turn the flashlight off!”

 

Funny of the Week

“MAN! I just left the Valero up the street from my place.  I went inside the store to pay for my gas and saw two police officers looking at a lady smoking while pumping gas.  I thought  ‘she can’t be serious smoking at the pump.’   And the police right there too!  While paying for my gas, I heard someone screaming.  I looked outside and the lady’s arm was on fire!  She was tossing and waving her arm around,  just going crazy!  I walked outside while the cops were putting her on the ground.  They were putting the fire out with an extinguisher.  As I walked past I turned to see them handcuffing her.  WOW!  I am a concerned citizen so I asked the cops why they arresting her.   I thought that her arm catching on fire was enough.  Nope!  One cop looked me dead in the face and said “FOR WAVING A FIRE ARM.”

Funny of the Week: Thinking about a divorce?

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Funny of the Week

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.  He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor Young — who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine — thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”  Dr. Young: Aaagh !! — “This is gasoline!”  Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young got annoyed and went back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.  “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything, Dr. Young said to Dr. Geezer.”  “Nurse,” said Dr. Geezer,  “please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”  When Dr. Young tasted it he cried, “Oh, no you don’t, that is Gasoline!”  Dr. Geezer immediately said, “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back . That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) left angrily and came back after several more days.  He told Dr. Young, “My eyesight has become weak,  I can hardly see anything!  Dr. Geezer replied, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” Dr. Geezer then handed Dr. Young a $10 bill.  “But this is only $10!” cried Dr. Young.  “Congratulations,” replied a gleeful Dr. Geezer.  “You got your vision back!  That will be $500.”

Moral of this story:  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer.”

Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.

Funny of the Week

Facebook post last week from Camilla Gonzales

“Hopefully Donald Trump will not deport my beautiful mother-in-law….that lives in 22 Allenwood in Los Angeles California 90004…in the blue and white house….by the back door that doesn’t close.  She gets off work at 5:00 pm….but is always home by 5:25.

Poor Mother-in-law…her visa expired since March 2009…and currently works with fake papers….

Well, let it be God’s will….”

Funny of the Week

Words Not Yet In The Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib’ re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to (a) suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg’ uh side) n. When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz’ aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will ‘remove’ all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit

Bonus Funny

With the ridiculousness in D.C. this week and as nearly every member of the radical Left finds their hair on fire, we all need as is said in Louisiana some “lagniappe.”  (lagniappe is the 13th doughnut in a Baker’s dozen — something you get but don’t pay for)  Enjoy!

Funny of the Week

  • President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his yacht.  During lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff’s hat off into the water.  It floated away about 50 feet.  Then the wind died down and the hat didn’t move.  It just floated in place.  The boat crew and Secret Service scrambled to get a boat launched to retrieve the Pontiff’s hat.  Trump, however, waved them off, saying, “Don’t worry guys.  I’ve got this.”  The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water, picked up the hat, walked back to the boat and climbed in and handed the hat to the Pope.

The crew was speechless as were the security team for the Pope and members of Secret Service.  No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.  But the next day on NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN this story lead each network’s evening news:  “Trump cannot swim.”